Why Being Yourself Doesn’t Feel Safe
We hear it all the time — “Just be yourself.”
It sounds simple. But for many of us, it’s not.
In fact, for a lot of women I work with, being authentic feels anything but safe. It feels unfamiliar. Vulnerable. Sometimes even impossible. And if that resonates, I want you to know this first:
You’re not doing anything wrong.
There’s a reason it feels hard — and it’s not because you lack confidence, or need to “try harder.”
It’s because your nervous system has been doing its job: protecting you.
You Didn’t Lose Yourself - You Adapted
You didn’t become disconnected from your true self by accident.
You adapted.
At some point in your life — often in childhood — your nervous system picked up the message that certain parts of you weren’t safe to express. So you adjusted. You shaped yourself into who you thought you needed to be in order to stay loved, accepted, or emotionally safe.
Maybe you became the “easy one” who never made waves.
Maybe you learned to stay quiet to avoid conflict.
Maybe you carried responsibility that wasn’t yours, or looked after everyone else’s emotions while ignoring your own.
Maybe you started shrinking, hiding, or second-guessing yourself.
These weren’t flaws. They were survival strategies.
Your body, in its wisdom, did what it needed to do at the time.
But now, as an adult, those same patterns may be leaving you anxious, numb, overextended — and far from your own truth. You might want to speak up, set boundaries, pursue what lights you up… but instead, you freeze. People please. Question yourself. Retreat.
Your Nervous System Isn’t Being Difficult — It’s Being Loyal
This isn’t just mindset stuff. It’s nervous system wiring.
“The child will always choose connection over authenticity if authenticity risks connection.”
And your body remembers what felt risky. It holds onto those early adaptations, even when your circumstances have changed. Even when you want to feel free to be yourself.
That’s why authenticity can feel so conflicting: your mind knows what you want, but your body is still protecting you from something it once perceived as dangerous.
The good news? That wiring isn’t permanent. And healing doesn’t have to be forceful.
Relearning Safety in Who You Are
Through nervous system work, somatic practices, and a trauma-informed approach to emotional wellbeing, we can gently begin to shift those old patterns. To help the body unlearn what it no longer needs to protect you from.
This work often looks like:
Noticing when you’re shape-shifting, freezing, or self-abandoning
Creating safety in small moments where it’s okay to express what’s real
Gently updating your neuroception — your body’s internal surveillance system — so it knows that being you is no longer a threat
Reclaiming parts of yourself that were silenced, shamed, or shut down
It’s not about performing authenticity, or pushing through fear.
It’s about finding your way back to yourself — one small, steady step at a time.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
If this speaks to something deep in you — that quiet longing to feel more like you again — you’re not alone.
This is the heart of the work I do in The Pause — my 1:1 coaching program for women who feel emotionally stretched thin and stuck on autopilot, and are ready to reconnect with their own rhythm.
We go slow. We create space. We don’t force.
And it starts with a free 30-minute session — just a moment to breathe, reflect, and explore what’s next.
If that feels like what you need, you can book a session here: